Now, after you've taken a deep breath and recovered from that catastrophe of a marketing campaign, I give you....
What Was Really Happening During That Video - Brought to you by the letter P and the number anything-but-7.
:04 - Wow, we so weren't expecting you for like another hour! Now I have to give you an awkward 'Heyyy!' and make it look like I don't need your help setting up this dumb party! No, please, really, don't help! I've got it all taken care of!
:07 - Hey, guest! I'm the awkward black man that Microsoft required these evil, culturally homogeneous and therefore racist people to invite so they don't get sued!
:23 - His favorite because he's a worthless nerd who I married for his money. I wish I could just leave this miserable relationship and find someone who helps set up for the damn party instead of whipping out the stupid laptop every time I ask him to do anything!
:24 - now I need to laugh awkwardly to convince people that I really get something out of this hopeless, lazy, man-child who never grew out of video games. Lord, I want to strangle him!!!!
:35 - Ya, sure, there's no ulterior motive for me being here! We're just throwing a party. I don't want to have a steamy affair with this pretty young thing right here. Not at all! I'm just here because Microsoft made me come!
:38 - [Husband]: Waiiit a minute. I recognize that black man from somewhere. Oh yeah, he was the one hitting on my wife at the mall the other day. Now that's a strange coincidence. When Microsoft sent us a hate letter about us not inviting a racially diverse member, I thought they were going to send a total stranger. hmmmm...
:54 - [Husband]: Ok, shut up, mother-in-law, you don't even know how to turn the damn thing on. Let me do the talking, please.
1:13 - [Husband]: See, honey? I'm listening to you! Look at my listening pose! Look how sincere and interested I am! Why can't we just be happy together?!
1:27 - [mother-in-law]: I'm so lost. So confused. Why am I here? Who am I? Is it time for mah-johng yet?
1:29 - [Husband]: "Host Notes"; My wife is a loser. How did I get suckered into this? Can I go back to building my linux kernel?
1:38 - [Black man]: Why have I not said anything constructive since this thing started? Oh, right, it's because I've staring at this poor loser's wife the whole time. I should probably say something sincere soon
1:43 - [mother-in-law]: Bonus Activities. My mind was f'in blown. Best thing since Depends.
1:45 - [everyone but mother-in-law] - Stop talking, can't you tell these smiles are filled with loathing and hate?
1:55 - [black man]: O my god, she just flirted with me! Yes!! IT'S ON!!!
2:02 - [husband]: Except for at my LAN parties, where we actually have a good time. Ha, Windows launch party. Worst. Party. Ever. Wait until my guild finds out about this.
2:07 - [mother-in-law]: Photos? what are 'photos'? Is that some kind of casserole dish? I'm so lost. Somebody help me. WHO AM I???
2:16 - [wife]: Ya, geek-face, who's the nerd now, huh?? You worthless piece of garbage. I know Windows features!!! Snap!! better watch out, I'm starting to like this awkward random black man right here!
2:23 - [husband] - [google's how to tell wife she is a dumb-ass without having her drop you like a bad habit] [also, google how to deal with large, hulking, handsome, black man in tight shirt hitting on your wife] [0 results found. You have no hope]
2:27 - [black man]: Ya, isn't that hilarious?? They all looked at a computer! Computers are for nerds!! I want to take you home with me.
2:38 - [wife]: Oh, my! He actually likes me. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He doesn't like computers either. He's not a worthless man-child. Let's get out of here and go to your place.
2:43 - [mother-in-law]: Yayyyyy! Activities!! Like knitting!!
2:48 - [wife and black man]: we are so leaving this party together.
2:52 - [mother-in-law]: And then everybody left. I was all alone. Suffering in my dementia. Alone, and cold. Who am iiiiii?
2:57 - [wife]: You hear that, random black man? We'll play it by ear! [wink]
2:59 - [wife]: You know what other activity is going to be this time, right, random black man?
3:01 - [husband]: That third activity this time is going to be punching your face in, black man! Get your filthy adulterous eyes off my wife!
3:02 - [wife] Oh my god! He knows! I need a quick save! Oh, screw it, it's over anyways.
3:05 - [wife] That's great. You just try and punch my big black savior. He'll protect me in ways you were never capable of, you dork!
3:07 - [mother-in-law]: Don't worry, this happens to us all eventually. What am I talking about? Where's my husband? Do I have a husband? Who am I????
[husband] - ha, ha, ha. I'm going to kill you.
3:12 - [husband]: I know I have a gun back here somewhere. Damn, the woman moved it again!
3:27 - [black man]: Shhhhh, old hag. Stop opening your mouth. You're just making a fool out of yourself.
3:33 - [black man]: yaaaaa, great information. And pictures of you. Naked.
3:40 - [wife]: Want to know a better way to 'bring it all together'?
3:48 - [husband]: I will find a way to kill you, black man. Make no mistake. Do not sleep tonight. Especially with my wife.
3:56 - [black man]: What is with this old woman? She not take her meds today?
4:06 - [black man]: And having an affair with your wife is about as personal as it gets.
4:14 - [husband]: Don't you dare one-up me, you wife-stealing black man! I'm better than you! Oh, yeah, and 'Frank's Auction Site'? That's my code word for 'I'm coming after you, buddy! Don't let your guard down!'
4:19 - [mother-in-law] See?! I finally figured out what a photo is!! But how do I remember my own name?? Where am I??
4:22 - [wife] - And by them, I mean you, you handsome man, you!
4:29 - [black man]: Guess who's first for the hands-on activity.
4:36 - [mother-in-law]: OK, what the eff is a computer? And who the hell am I??
4:55 - [black man]: Two computers to do the web chatting activity. [chuckles] God, I'm good!! I could do this all day!
5:05 - [Mother-in-law]: My, how I adore bonus activities! It's like knitting, but with friends!! I don't have friends. so alone....
5:12 - [wife]: You have all the equipment necessary, don't you?
5:34 - [husband]: Especially when those resources are highly trained assassins hired to kill you, black man!
5:49 - [black man]: I will say or do anything to take you home with me.
5:50 - [husband]: Ya, it's all out there, now! It's on!! Bring it!!
[wife]: ooooooo, yay, they're fighting over me!! It's my dream come true!
5:56 - [black man]: You see that reach? I could have killed you just now. Don't mess with me, or I will take you down.
6:06 - [wife]: And if I haven't made my self clear enough yet, then you are obviously a deranged moron.
6:11 - [husband]: That's my gang sign. We're going to mess. you. up.
The camera stopped rolling after the peaceful party preparations devolved into a violent and bloody gang war over the newly found emotions between the wife and the black man. After the husband called his guild members in using the hidden hand signal, a W for World of Warcraft, the black man called upon his actual for-real gang members, and they stood staring at each other, waiting for one side to start the brawl. The mother-in-law started yelling indecipherable gibberish which both gangs took to mean "Kill everybody!!" Moral of the story:
Hosting a Windows 7 launch party will only result in death and destruction.
But, seriously. Microsoft, get your act together.