Microsoft Marketing Needs To Go Away

This video, this embarrassing excuse for a viral marketing campaign, is Microsoft's shameful attempt at convincing people to host launch parties for Windows 7. Just watching this was like stabbing myself. In the face. With the dagger of soul-sucking Windows advertising drivel.

Enjoy.




Now, after you've taken a deep breath and recovered from that catastrophe of a marketing campaign, I give you....

What Was Really Happening During That Video - Brought to you by the letter P and the number anything-but-7.

:04 - Wow, we so weren't expecting you for like another hour! Now I have to give you an awkward 'Heyyy!' and make it look like I don't need your help setting up this dumb party! No, please, really, don't help! I've got it all taken care of!

:07 - Hey, guest! I'm the awkward black man that Microsoft required these evil, culturally homogeneous and therefore racist people to invite so they don't get sued!

:23 - His favorite because he's a worthless nerd who I married for his money. I wish I could just leave this miserable relationship and find someone who helps set up for the damn party instead of whipping out the stupid laptop every time I ask him to do anything!

:24 - now I need to laugh awkwardly to convince people that I really get something out of this hopeless, lazy, man-child who never grew out of video games. Lord, I want to strangle him!!!!

:35 - Ya, sure, there's no ulterior motive for me being here! We're just throwing a party. I don't want to have a steamy affair with this pretty young thing right here. Not at all! I'm just here because Microsoft made me come!

:38 - [Husband]: Waiiit a minute. I recognize that black man from somewhere. Oh yeah, he was the one hitting on my wife at the mall the other day. Now that's a strange coincidence. When Microsoft sent us a hate letter about us not inviting a racially diverse member, I thought they were going to send a total stranger. hmmmm...

:54 - [Husband]: Ok, shut up, mother-in-law, you don't even know how to turn the damn thing on. Let me do the talking, please.

1:13 - [Husband]: See, honey? I'm listening to you! Look at my listening pose! Look how sincere and interested I am! Why can't we just be happy together?!

1:27 - [mother-in-law]: I'm so lost. So confused. Why am I here? Who am I? Is it time for mah-johng yet?

1:29 - [Husband]: "Host Notes"; My wife is a loser. How did I get suckered into this? Can I go back to building my linux kernel?

1:38 - [Black man]: Why have I not said anything constructive since this thing started? Oh, right, it's because I've staring at this poor loser's wife the whole time. I should probably say something sincere soon

1:43 - [mother-in-law]: Bonus Activities. My mind was f'in blown. Best thing since Depends.

1:45 - [everyone but mother-in-law] - Stop talking, can't you tell these smiles are filled with loathing and hate?

1:55 - [black man]: O my god, she just flirted with me! Yes!! IT'S ON!!!

2:02 - [husband]: Except for at my LAN parties, where we actually have a good time. Ha, Windows launch party. Worst. Party. Ever. Wait until my guild finds out about this.

2:07 - [mother-in-law]: Photos? what are 'photos'? Is that some kind of casserole dish? I'm so lost. Somebody help me. WHO AM I???

2:16 - [wife]: Ya, geek-face, who's the nerd now, huh?? You worthless piece of garbage. I know Windows features!!! Snap!! better watch out, I'm starting to like this awkward random black man right here!

2:23 - [husband] - [google's how to tell wife she is a dumb-ass without having her drop you like a bad habit] [also, google how to deal with large, hulking, handsome, black man in tight shirt hitting on your wife] [0 results found. You have no hope]

2:27 - [black man]: Ya, isn't that hilarious?? They all looked at a computer! Computers are for nerds!! I want to take you home with me.

2:38 - [wife]: Oh, my! He actually likes me. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He doesn't like computers either. He's not a worthless man-child. Let's get out of here and go to your place.

2:43 - [mother-in-law]: Yayyyyy! Activities!! Like knitting!!

2:48 - [wife and black man]: we are so leaving this party together.

2:52 - [mother-in-law]: And then everybody left. I was all alone. Suffering in my dementia. Alone, and cold. Who am iiiiii?

2:57 - [wife]: You hear that, random black man? We'll play it by ear! [wink]

2:59 - [wife]: You know what other activity is going to be this time, right, random black man?

3:01 - [husband]: That third activity this time is going to be punching your face in, black man! Get your filthy adulterous eyes off my wife!

3:02 - [wife] Oh my god! He knows! I need a quick save! Oh, screw it, it's over anyways.

3:05 - [wife] That's great. You just try and punch my big black savior. He'll protect me in ways you were never capable of, you dork!

3:07 - [mother-in-law]: Don't worry, this happens to us all eventually. What am I talking about? Where's my husband? Do I have a husband? Who am I????
          [husband] - ha, ha, ha. I'm going to kill you.

3:12 - [husband]: I know I have a gun back here somewhere. Damn, the woman moved it again!

3:27 - [black man]: Shhhhh, old hag. Stop opening your mouth. You're just making a fool out of yourself.

3:33 - [black man]: yaaaaa, great information. And pictures of you. Naked.

3:40 - [wife]: Want to know a better way to 'bring it all together'?

3:48 - [husband]: I will find a way to kill you, black man. Make no mistake. Do not sleep tonight. Especially with my wife.

3:56 - [black man]: What is with this old woman? She not take her meds today?

4:06 - [black man]: And having an affair with your wife is about as personal as it gets.

4:14 - [husband]: Don't you dare one-up me, you wife-stealing black man! I'm better than you! Oh, yeah, and 'Frank's Auction Site'? That's my code word for 'I'm coming after you, buddy! Don't let your guard down!'

4:19 - [mother-in-law] See?! I finally figured out what a photo is!! But how do I remember my own name?? Where am I??

4:22 - [wife] - And by them, I mean you, you handsome man, you!

4:29 - [black man]: Guess who's first for the hands-on activity.

4:36 - [mother-in-law]: OK, what the eff is a computer? And who the hell am I??

4:55 - [black man]: Two computers to do the web chatting activity. [chuckles] God, I'm good!! I could do this all day!

5:05 - [Mother-in-law]: My, how I adore bonus activities! It's like knitting, but with friends!! I don't have friends. so alone....

5:12 - [wife]: You have all the equipment necessary, don't you?

5:34 - [husband]: Especially when those resources are highly trained assassins hired to kill you, black man!

5:49 - [black man]: I will say or do anything to take you home with me.

5:50 - [husband]: Ya, it's all out there, now! It's on!! Bring it!!
          [wife]: ooooooo, yay, they're fighting over me!! It's my dream come true!

5:56 - [black man]: You see that reach? I could have killed you just now. Don't mess with me, or I will take you down.

6:06 - [wife]: And if I haven't made my self clear enough yet, then you are obviously a deranged moron.

6:11 - [husband]: That's my gang sign. We're going to mess. you. up.

The camera stopped rolling after the peaceful party preparations devolved into a violent and bloody gang war over the newly found emotions between the wife and the black man. After the husband called his guild members in using the hidden hand signal, a W for World of Warcraft, the black man called upon his actual for-real gang members, and they stood staring at each other, waiting for one side to start the brawl. The mother-in-law started yelling indecipherable gibberish which both gangs took to mean "Kill everybody!!" Moral of the story:

Hosting a Windows 7 launch party will only result in death and destruction.

Lesson Learned.

But, seriously. Microsoft, get your act together.